As one to blow out others’ candles, I make the pilgrimage to the seedy part of Pioneer Square. It’s a bit dodgy, but a good sandwich deserves the work. Like Frodo with the ring, I had a ten dollar bill with the name Porchetta written all over it. I was told that the line up started at 1130AM. I showed up at 1120 and not a soul there. Were they shitting me? It’s like showing up 2 hours early for a birthday party and you end up helping the hosts 94 year-old nanny find the potty. I went for a walk around the block (literally 5 minutes) and when I got back, there are 25 people in line. Had they been hiding in the bushes waiting to see what I would do?

Like Sea Monkeys in a cup of warm water, they populated in front of my eyes. I got my arse in line and waited. I hate to wait. I think it’s overrated and it is a rare situation where the wait is worth it. I don’t do foreplay with my food. Let’s get it on and be done with it. The line moved like a well oiled machine. As I got closer I saw various lovely beasts aging in the cooler window. Think Amsterdam red-light district meets Piggily Wiggley down under.

I can see the counter staff mere feet away from me. I can hear them excitedly ask each other, “It that the guy from the Hanging Pig?” “Is that the guy that PETA hates?” They were excited and who can blame them. I’m there to ‘represent’.

I step up. They get giddy with delight. Who will he choose to put in his order? I look at the one with the glasses and in my best Tom Jones accent, I say, “I’d like the Porchetta please.” She smiles. It’s all about the tease. She says in her waspy smokey tone…”Sourdough or ciabatta?” She thinks she has me. She is challenging the co-founder of the Hanging Pig. “Whatever the chef thinks best”, I reply. Checkmate.  She prepares my sandwich by loading pound after pound of braised pork shoulder into the bun. In total, the meet braises for over 18 hours. Un F*CKING believable. I take my sandwich, give her a wink and a ten dollar bill and head out.

Just down the street there is an enclosed Japanese garden. I find a spot, unwrap my sandwich, and…cry…. I don’t know what came over me. You watch these babbling idiots stand on the Olympic podium and start to blubber. All their years of training. All the missed dates. All the time working on their craft…comes down to meet moments. I felt like I had been preparing for this sandwich my whole life. Baloney on wonder bread. Corned beef on onion loaf. Leftover meatloaf on french loaf. Even bacon explosion on fresh Kaiser buns. But now…this. I took it all in. I unwrapped the paper like a tentative virgin and looked into the eyes of excellence.

The sandwich is about 10″ long. I spent an hour working on it and couldn’t finish it. There has to be at least 1.5lbs of meat in there. Simply unbelievable. If you love pork and you love sandwiches (if you don’t, WTF are you doing here?) make a trip to Salumi. You will thank me. salumicuredmeats.com‎

Salumi: 309 3rd Ave S, Seattle, WA‎ – (206) 223-0817‎

Best hotdog: Hands down: Gray’s Papaya (not to be confused with Papaya King).

It was the first place I ever ate when first visiting the city. I asked for a ‘deuce and a juice’, which was two hot dogs, a papaya juice for $3 bucks. It was the one on Broadway (2090 Broadway, at 72nd St.) and I have never been there and not seen a line up. They grill the hot dogs, serve it with a onion relish, and your favorite condiment. This is a meal good for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or all of the above. Other locations on 8th ave (539 Eighth Ave., at 37th St.) if you are shopping at Macy’s and 6th ave (402 Sixth Ave., at 8th St.) which is right near my literary agent’s office.

Best ‘stick to your guts‘ restaurant: Brasserie Les Halles (http://www.leshalles.net/ny_park.php)

Made famous by author, bad ass, and television aficionado, Anthony Bourdain, Les Halles is the closest thing to a french bistro you’ll find outside of Paris. I’ve only been to the one on Park (411 Park Ave. South nr. 29th St.) but am always satisfied with what I get here. I have lunch here with my publisher, entertain clients, or go for a solo meal of Steak Frites. The French Onion soup, as you might imagine, is out of this world!. Check out their different menus on their website. You will not be disappointed.

Best Bagels: H & H (http://www.hhbagels.net/)

If you are in New York, you have to eat Bagels for breakfast. I don’t care if you are on some type of Atkins bullshit diet. EAT A BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE AND SMOKED SALMON! (sorry, got a little passionate there.) I like to visit the MET when I’m in town and taking the subway up to the upper west side, you can grab a bagel, walk through the park, and find yourself at the MET. Walk through the park burns off the bagel, and you are good to go. Plus the food at the MET sucks, so eat before going in. It’s just above 80th on Broadway (2239 Broadway). Take the #1 Subway up and get off at 79th. You’ll thank me for this little nugget.

Best place to get picnic snacks for the park: Zabars (http://www.zabars.com/)

The only thing I don’t like about Paris is the stinky-ass cheese shops. I am a cheese Mormon. I like my cheese missionary style. Mess with it too much and I get a headache if you know what I mean. I don’t like blue cheese. My cohort Paul, on the other hand, is a cheese Jedi. This dude can taste a cheese that smells like it aged in a dumpster of baby nappies, and with a smile on his face, start listing off dishes it would work with. For him, I put up this picture of the cheese counter of Zabars.

As you might have guessed, this places is the place when you are looking for great meats and cheese. What I like is that it doesn’t smell like bum there. I’m sure they have all the nasty cheeses, but the great meat counter, great tables of delicious baking and hard to find ingredients, makes this a place a guy like me can spend a morning in. I’ve never been there when it isn’t packed and with all the options available to New Yorkers, you know it has to be good. I like getting a nice demi loaf of bread, a great Havarti, and some Italian salami and sitting in the park as I check my voice mails. You MUST go here when visiting NYC. It is at 2245 Broadway (neighbours with H & H) so get your bagels, get your cheese and meat, and get your ‘eat on‘.

Best way to drop $300: Gordon Ramsay at the London (http://www.gordonramsay.com/gratthelondon/)

We first ate at Ramsay’s at Claridges and it changed the way I saw dining.  Having eaten all over the world, nothing, and I mean nothing, touches this restaurant. Everything was perfect and I will be blessed if my last meal on this earth is there. I should add that it is the first place I ever ordered Pork Belly and it pushed pork to the #1 spot in our house for what we prepare and eat. Mr. Ramsay, you are a pig’s best friend. Now Ramsay, as a global brand, is doing everything right. His standards are consistent, they out pace the next closest competitor, and hold true for his NYC location. Here is their latest menu.  It is a hot spot to get into so make your reservations early. Let me suggest the Fois Gras (with Calvados Jelly) to start; the caramelized duck breast with pear glaze as a main, and White Chocolate ganache to finish.  Two sets of these with a nice bottle of wine will set you back $300, but will change your life forever. Find them at: 151 West 54th Street (between 6th and 7th Avenues) T: 212 468 8888

Best street food: Almost all of them.

I like to eat at street vendors whenever I can. I wait to see where the lunch crowd goes to make sure that the place is good on the gut. From a dirty water hot dog to a spicy gyro, you can’t go wrong spending $4 bucks for lunch. The best onces are along Avenue of Americas and down near Macy’s on 32nd street. I’m also a sucker for the honey glazed peanuts they sell on every corner. $1 a bag is a good deal and a hell of a steal for a quick, sweet, salty snack.

I had lunch at the DB Bistro (http://www.dbbistro.ca/) last week. I hadn’t been there since it had been converted from the old Feenie’s's and was pleasantly surprised. The service was great and the lunch was nicely done. I had the pea/mint soup, served chilled which was both bright and refreshing. For the main I had Steak Frites (Grade AAA Sirloin). The fries were done perfectly, services with a mayonnaise/tomato sauce and the steak grilled to perfection. My lunch companion had the Coq Au Vin (which has bacon and was done as would be expected). To finish I had a chocolate mousse sundae with mocha ice cream and a cappuccino. Not a bad way to burn 1.5 hours over lunch. Tab for 2 people: $140 with tip. Worth a second visit to try some more of their interesting and inventive interpretations on classic French cuisine.